Give Yourself Time

A lesson on acclimating to change and knowing when to quit.

Sunrise - September 21st

I graduated this past May and passed my board exam in July before moving 700 miles away from my friends and family for my dream job. I had a month off without school or work prior to starting, and I had not been so relaxed in years- maybe ever. I knew going from a state of pure calm and lack of responsibility to a demanding new position would be quite the transition. Many of my friends had a challenging time acclimating to their first job post graduation - what if I moved all this way only to regret it? What if I went to school for all these years and this wasn’t the right choice? If I was unhappy, how would I know when to push through and when to quit? These fears could easily turn into a shame and resentment spiral if I wasn’t careful. 

The week before I started, with all of my worries running through my brain at lightning speed, I made myself a deal: the cons could outweigh the pros for the first 5 weeks. If the cons continued outweighing the pros after that time period, then I would need to reach out for additional help or potentially look into other avenues. Working through hard things is brave, and so is knowing when to quit. I have one life to live, and I don’t want to spend it doing things that make me miserable. I gave myself permission to feel all of the emotions that come with starting something wildly new by embracing “AND” over “BUT.” I am extremely lucky to have gotten this position, AND I knew the beginning would not be easy. I decided to journal each week to showcase this process: 

Before: 

Today is Sunday, September 10th. Tomorrow is my first day of my 55 week residency program - my first full time job after graduating from Physical Therapy school that comes with 36 hours of patient care per week and additional hours of continued education and mentorship to specialize in pelvic health. This has been one of my dreams for over 8 years, and now that it’s here, I’m incredibly nervous. I’ve been having wildly vivid anxiety dreams this past week because of it. The most memorable one is a recurring stress dream for me- I’ve fallen and broken my teeth, and can sense more loose teeth in my mouth threatening to fall out. I convince myself that I can feel the rough surface of my cracked teeth. Sometimes I can wake myself up and snap myself out of it - or change the trajectory of the dream as a whole. Not this last time. 

I’m out of practice working myself to the bone and of learning in a more rigid setting. Today I was driving home from a used book store after my writers group and I was tearing up because I have been so unabashedly happy this past month. My partner and I have been connecting so well, exploring the area, settling in. I have been making art almost every day. I have been reading book after book, and not because I was being told to by a syllabus. 

I know I’m capable and I know it will be challenging. I completed 6 years of college while being a resident assistant, participating in numerous clubs, working as a tutor and anatomy lab assistant, topped off with a global pandemic. I can get through a 13 month residency program AND make art AND maintain my relationships. Only 3 things, I can do 3 things! 3 things are nothing! 

Post Week 1: 

I’m exhausted. Today is September 17th. This past week was jam packed full of orientation information and my commute home was 55+ minutes each day. I hate spending so much of this one precious life in a car, especially when I’m so tired. It’s clear that I need to get more sleep to support this new lifestyle of 5:45 am wakeups, non stop learning and 2 hours of driving per day. Quite the change from when-I-want wakeups, botanical gardens and doodling. I believe I can do this, and it was a harsh change from my month off. 

Thankfully, everyone I’ve met so far has been lovely. In terms of life satisfaction, I’ve found that what matters to me the most is if I enjoy the people I work with. We’re off to a great start in that department! 

Post Week 2: 

I’ve been listening to audiobooks to make the commute to and from work more manageable, and I still find myself getting bored and frustrated easily when behind the wheel. There are so many challenges to this new job - I have to wake up far earlier than I’m used to and drive the commute far longer than I hoped for, while figuring out the in’s and out’s of the clinic I will be working in. Today however, September 22nd, I got to watch the sunrise full of pink and purple hues as I walked from my apartment to the car, no one stirring from their apartments in our complex. It seemed like I was the only one in the world who was awake, looking up at the sky. My partner Shea was already at work, and I hope he got to see it too. The sky told me I would be ok. My commute felt less grueling - I usually never get to see the sunrise. 

This week I got to shadow multiple brilliant clinicians and meet many people I will be working with. I loved being back with patients again, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel rusty. I’m working 12 days in a row due to a weekend continued education course, and this marked day 5 of those 12 days. Almost halfway through. I am tired, and I love that I get to see the sunrise in the morning. 

Sunrise - October 11th

Post Week 3: 

The continued education course last weekend was amazing, and I am brain dead. I have now worked 12 days straight, although the course wasn’t technically “work,” it ran from 8 am to 5 pm Saturday and 7:30 am to 3 pm on Sunday, and it certainly was not a brain break. I’m learning so much every second of every day, and I am thrilled to finally have a weekend to integrate all of this knowledge and rest. A few times this week I questioned why I decided to start my career in such a demanding way, especially while on my 55+ minute commute home. My shoulders were extremely tense as I sat in bumper to bumper traffic while my stomach rumbled in hunger after being in the clinic for 10 hours, knowing I was going home to do more continued education work. This is going to be a hard year. Today, September 30th, my bed has never been so comfortable. It’s only the end of week 3, I’m not feeling completely settled yet, and I’m allowing myself to be frustrated by the little things. Feeling the full scope of these emotions and searching for solutions as I acclimate to this new job will allow me to breathe deeper when I do feel settled. I’ll remember how hard it felt in the beginning, and how I fought to make it easier. 

This week I reached out to my friends from home who graciously allowed me to vent. Freeing these thoughts from my mind allowed me to feel at peace - I’m not doing this alone and my frustrations are valid - I’m still adjusting. Today is my 5 year anniversary with Shea, and we are making time to celebrate even though I’m feeling quite drained from the last couple of weeks. We went to IHop, walked around our favorite botanical garden, and had a lovely dinner of Vietnamese food. There is room for joy here, even in the midst of this change.  

Post Week 4: 

I’m finally treating patients independently again and remembering why I did this. I’ve shaken off the cobwebs, re-adjusted to working life, and I can see my goals with greater clarity. This year is my opportunity to learn as much as I can about pelvic health to provide the best possible care to patients who are traditionally underserved in the medical system. I’ve been studying a lot after work to ensure I start off strong in the clinic. In only 4 weeks I’ve met so many incredible people, had challenging and meaningful patient interactions, learned a great deal from my mentors and finally got comfortable with the documentation system. Everyone I work with is so friendly and I am finally feeling more at ease. I’m not completely settled yet, and I know I will be. 

This week I started doing “Inktober,” where I paint something small everyday in October based on prompts. I’m using this to challenge myself to make time for my creative side throughout this job, something I didn’t prioritize on my clinical rotations. The tighter I cling to my passions outside of work, the easier it will be to avoid burnout. I am a physical therapist and an artist. 

Post Week 5: 

I am close to 100% patient care now and I love working with the patients on my caseload. My coworkers and I are getting along great, Shea and I are wonderful roommates even when we are both tired and busy with work, and the other residents and I are planning a weekend outing together to a winery on a llama farm. I have found time to paint everyday, post my blog weekly, and video chat with my best friends. I can confidently say that I have found my footing here by balancing the things that are most important in my life, trying to find solutions to my frustrations and allowing myself to fully embrace the good and the bad. 5 weeks flew by, and I feel so much lighter now that the pros are vastly outweighing the cons. 

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Getting used to a new job - or any big life change - has a lot of ups and downs. This deal I made myself allowed me to embrace “AND” over “BUT” by saying, I can give it my all to try to find my footing AND still be uncomfortable. I can experience hard moments in this residency AND still do art, still spend time with my loved ones, still learn and grow. I can be grateful for this opportunity AND be frustrated at times without being seen as undeserving. The pros can outweigh the cons AND the cons are still there. 

While writing this, I had to ask myself, why did I decide to make this deal with myself? And I discovered the following: I had to give myself permission to quit in order to feel intense conviction when I decided to stay. I needed to feel like this was my choice - no one is forcing me to do this. I’ve learned over the years to give it time, and eventually the right path will reveal itself. It took me 5 weeks to compile enough information to address my frustrations and feel more fully settled. It may take less time for you, it may take more, but give yourself time. Once you control the controllable, you will have a great gift of comparison: remembering how hard it was in the beginning vs where you end up. If the cons still outweigh the pros, then you have your answer: it may not be the right path. We need to give every experience enough of a chance to determine if it is a good fit - and recognize that we have the power to change our mind if it isn’t. 

All my love, 

-Katie 

Nuance Note: Documenting the first few weeks of this position was a helpful way for me to showcase how far I’ve come, and yet it doesn’t mean that there won’t be more frustrations in the future. I’m a recovering people pleaser, so my overall goal here was to be more true to myself in this process. Of course I want to do well here. Of course I want to succeed. What I am not willing to do is to bury my negative emotions and pretend everything is perfect to do so simply because I am lucky to have gotten this opportunity. We are all human beings, and by embracing and finding solutions to our frustrations, we are embracing honesty and fostering open communication. This practice will not be as accessible to everyone depending on working conditions, job culture, and support structures in place. We can only do our best with what we are given. If your path is not suiting you, and a change is not an option, what can you control? What power can you give yourself over the situation?

Book Recs: 

• I’m absolutely enamored by “The Prettiest Star” by Carter Sickels - Every passage I read leaves me in awe. 

• I just started “It’s ok to be angry about Capitalism” by Bernie Sanders and it is a great read so far! 
  

Music Recs: 

• I can’t stop listening to “Stranger” by Miki Fiki - it’s like there is a jukebox implanted inside my brain and this is the only song it has

• “Employment Cost” by Roe Kapara 

• “Wendy” by Sid Simons 

Other Recs: 

• Check out my last post to learn more about what is happening in Gaza, and ways to get involved like contacting your representatives to support a ceasefire: