Insomnia Led Me Here
Rest as a Compass
My mind developed enough to recognize judgement and comparison with more intensity starting in middle school. I remember thinking that I was not smart enough, pretty enough, stylish enough, or plainly, enough, compared to those around me. It’s no wonder my struggles with insomnia started at this time in my life. With an unkind and unyielding internal monologue at all hours, I recall endless fitful nights begging my thoughts to quiet so I could get some rest. I was so desperate after ages of tossing and turning, blood boiling and teeth clenched in frustration, I bartered with my mind. I remember thinking to myself “if I could just get 30 minutes of sleep, I will never tell a lie again. I will get straight A’s in school. I will never be unkind”. I made false promises, and yet even considered praying to a god that believed this act a sin. Why couldn’t my body do what everyone else did with ease? Exhaustion made me ugly - it shortened my temper, made me angry and spiteful. I was jealous of people who walked around with a tranquil glow that I knew could only come from 8 uninterrupted hours of slumber, a glow completely devoid of my own sallow under eyes.
Often, my sleepless nights were partnered with bitter fatigue. However, every few months I’d be so full of energy, I was unable to sleep because I was instead called to create. I would paint and paint and paint through the night, lit by a flashlight so as to not alert my parents, and then have dilated pupils and blurry vision under fluorescent bulbs in my middle school cafeteria because I hadn’t seen a blink of sleep in 72 hours. These swings of high versus low energy insomnia made me feel disconnected from the people and world around me. How could I enjoy what was in front of me during traditional waking hours when I was too exhausted, or too hyper-fixated by my evenings, to notice my life going by?
I’ve attempted to improve my sleep hygiene over the years with the classics - decreasing screen time before bed, melatonin, eye masks, blackout curtains, white noise machines, magnesium, ashwagandha, sleepy time teas, meditation, you name it, I’ve likely tried it. None of these things gave me lasting relief. I could create the most optimal conditions: a weighted blanket, a perfectly fluffy pillow, a completely dark room, a rigid routine, and still be left with eyes wide open. What I’ve come to learn is this: even if the routine seems perfect on all accounts, a nervous system that feels disconnected and unsafe, does not sleep.
I broke my leg in the 7th grade which kept me out of sports, where I had previously sought connection. Cast out of what I viewed as “my thing,” I felt I had lost my purpose, and I felt so incredibly, painfully, lonely. I can still feel the ache in my chest when I imagine my younger self at this time. I couldn’t lay my head on a pillow without thinking about every mistake I had made that day, or every conversation where I said the wrong thing. Thankfully, my dear friend Guin asked me to start staying after school to attend art club. We drew seals with oil pastels and collaged with magazines from the 80’s. We laughed and listened to music and created with a sense of play and wonder - creation for creations sake alone. Art became my primary outlet while I was still in my thigh high purple cast. It made me feel like I was connected to something, and deepened a friendship I still have to this day. It in turn made the energetic sleepless nights feel like they, occasionally, had a purpose.
Over time, I realized I loved making art, whether it was born of insomniatic and wholly unhappy nights, or in broad daylight. It was the first thing that was ever truly mine, the first thing I learned to love because I alone loved it. I kept making art, kept creating, and this helped me realize the limits of my imagination were endless, so why couldn’t I imagine a happier life for myself? This was a turning point for me - I freshened a heart that I had thought spoiled. I was able to connect with others in a new way by sharing creativity, which eventually began my costume makeup journey in 2015. I was able to see the world in a new light. Instead of begging and bartering for sleep, I longed for waking hours, where I could explore a world that had so much to offer.
In college, while my artistic practice was sporadic due to the demands of academia, I found a chosen family that changed my life forever. I was surrounded by the most inspiring women I’d ever met - I felt more present, more intentional with my time and focus, and, for the most part, let go of my old companion, loneliness. Shockingly, I started sleeping better. This was inconsistent, as soon afterwards the pressure of graduate school also made my nervous system feel like it was in constant fight or flight. This certainly does not make the nervous system feel safe.
Once I was done with formal education and studying for exams in March of 2025, and was living in the same city as most of my favorite people on Earth, I felt my shoulders that I often wore like earrings, lower in relief. I ruminated less, I saw my chosen family more, I deeply reconnected with my love of art and I listened to my inner voice with more intention. A relationship that did not make my nervous system feel safe ended shortly after, and suddenly everything fell into place. I moved into a new apartment, I had a new lease on life, a new understanding of myself and unconditional love around me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, which (in conjunction with some medication to help me sleep, I’m a firm believer in better living through chemistry) has correlated to significantly improved rest.
You know where I have slept well since my nervous system has started feeling connected and safe?
In my bed, sleeping alone for the first time in years, in the home I found and created for myself after a huge life shift. Curled under a weighted blanket I wrap around myself, I feel at peace. I embrace the life I’ve worked so hard for, a life where I put myself first. I sleep soundly, now that I feel safe and loved in my own arms.
In hotel rooms in Thailand with my best friend, halfway across the world, a new bed every 2-3 nights, a 12 hour time difference, and still, I mostly slept soundly. New noises, mattresses, pillows and lighting, it didn’t matter. I was with the person I trust most in this world, nothing makes my nervous system more calm.
In a quad bedroom on a yoga retreat with my 3 best friends, while the lights were on, I drifted off to the soft sounds of two of them laughing and one of them gently snoring (I could cry thinking about this <3). This was the complete opposite of my usual sleep routine- a new space, more noise than usual, far more light than usual, and still, I rested. I was in a space where I felt safe, held, and cared for. I was with my favorite people in the world, doing an activity together we had always dreamed of, in a sacred space, in the beautiful life we had all built and prioritized together.
In the arms of my new partner. Thumbs tracing palms before drifting off, enveloped in warmth, enveloped in care. I’ve almost never been able to fall asleep with someone touching me. It’s early, and yet the trust we have fostered in such a short amount of time has allowed me to rest easily, and what a blessing it has been to feel safely held.
I will never be able to silence my internal monologue, nor would I want to, but staying connected to my friends, to my artistic practice, and to my humanity, creates a softer and kinder voice more conducive to being present in the world. I can now use rest as a compass to show me when I’m in alignment with the life I want to live. To me, a calm nervous system and an ability to sleep soundly is my most potent signal that life is going well. I just turned 27, and after 15 years of sleeping poorly, I’m sleeping better than I ever have. In turn, I anticipate this year to be abundant in joy, boldness, creativity, laughter, love and lots of good sleep. What helps you rest easy at night?
All my love
-Katie
Music Recs:
Theo Bleak’s entire discography, but especially:
Raining all the time
In my house
Don’t borrow grief from later
I look like a fool to you
The Army, The Navy’s entire discography but especially:
40%
Alexandra
Dirty laundry
All in
Cut Me Open by Um Jennifer?
Victim of luck by Metric
Graves by Black Polish
27 by Glitter Party
Art of living by Mat Kereks
Grey by Good Boy Daisy
Bloody Honey by Soccer Mommy
Rot in love by Ratbag
Awkward by Weakened Friends
Monica Lewinskibidi by Hot Mulligan
Book Recs:
Admittedly I haven’t been reading much, but Natural Beauty by Ling Ling Huang was disturbing and stellar!
I’m halfway through Pride and Prejudice and while I’ve seen the movie, the book affords a deeper understanding of the humor!
My recent book haul, I’ve got some work to do!:
Chloe got me “Owls and Other Fantasies” by Mary Oliver
Nick got me “The Serviceberry” by Robin Wall Kimmerer
Meaghan got me “Detransition, baby” by Torrey Peters
Lauren got me “Days at the Torunka Cafe” by Satoshi Yagisawa
I picked up “Science and Nature Writing” edited by Susan Orleans, and “transient and Strange - Notes on the Science of Life” by Nell Greenfieldboyce
Other Recs:
Continue fighting for a more just world. Protecting your community. Protecting each other.
Truly, I find reddit to be one of the best community protection networks right now. Find your local group, keep an eye on the pulse, and be as loud as can in protest of injustice.
Consider canvassing for the primary and general elections coming up to flip the house and senate: https://commonslibrary.org/tools-roundup-canvassing-and-door-knocking/
ACLU for ways to get involved: https://www.aclu.org/
For friends in Massachusetts, know your rights if approached or witnessing ICE: https://www.mass.gov/doc/ago-ice-guidance-05292025/download
I feel like people don’t talk enough about the different kinds of sleeplessness/ insomnia! For my partner, fear of sleeplessness can lead to sleeplessness- an endless cycle. But there’s also sleeplessness fueled by excitement and creativity. So glad you’ve found places and people in your life that allow you to rest 🧡