The morning of November 6th, I felt like I would drown in my tears while getting dressed for work. The sun had not yet risen and yet the decision had been made: 4 more years of a fascist in office. I cleaned up my smudged mascara, and attempted to feign any sense of normalcy, betraying every instinct in my body that wanted to give into my grief. I trudged through my day, the weight of the world heavier than I’ve felt in my lifetime. Patients and coworkers all with downtrodden shoulders, shuffling their feet one after another, going through the motions of the day because we are forced to persist.
One week later, and I am still heavily inside the throes of grief. Like the dial of a watch, around and around I tick between soul crushing sadness, guttural fury, true horror, numbness and intense disappointment. I feel the most despair in the shower. No matter how loud I turn up the music or how hot the water, I’m still left naked, vulnerable and alone with my misery. Tears falling under running water feel just as heavy as on dry land. I spin in place, allowing the water to reach every part of me, hoping it will wash away my pain, but instead it’s me who is spiraling down the drain with every drop.
I feel just as much hopeless when I receive texts from my tr*mp supporting family members who supposedly love me. How do you respond to someone who is directly responsible for oppressing who I am as a woman and a queer person? Who is directly responsible for oppressing my loved ones and the patients I dedicate my career to serving? Who is directly responsible for killing the planet I’m supposed to grow up with? Who chose a misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic rapist to lead our country? How do I cut off some family members without abandoning others? What lengths should I go to in order to protect my peace, and what cost am I willing to pay for it?
All this to say, it’s been a hard week, and there are currently more questions than answers. I’m paralyzed with indecision and overcome with emotions. I don’t know how to hold space for my fury and my desire for a family I’ve always longed for but have never truly had. I’m buried under a pile of this pain so disorderly I’m unable to parse through it all to find my hope, but I know it’s there. I’m not feeling any better, but as time goes on, I know I will get better at handling it and use my anger to bolster the movements to follow. But not yet. Here I am, broken open in front of you, admitting that I haven’t yet found stable footing to spring into action. I need more time to recharge my spirit and right now, I’m in the thick of my mourning. We all deserve more grace than usual as we navigate the upcoming landscape of America, and what this means for us on a micro and macro scale.
Throughout this distressing time, nothing has been more helpful for me than spending time with my community. If there is one thing I’m certain of, it’s that I’m not alone in this grief, and neither are you. There are so many of us dedicated to progress, and we will find ways to make positive change. AND: It doesn’t have to be right now. Grieve, mourn in the way your body and mind require, and then we can move towards collective action. I see you, I fall to my knees with you, and I will fight with you when the time is right.
All my love,
-Katie
Music Recs:
The band “Wasai Project” on shuffle
Jacob Collier & AURORA - A rock Somewhere X The Seed for Greenpeace, you can watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N-fqm2YLAU (it made me cry multiple times)
Billy by Persona 749
Turning Red by Neptune’s Core
Knock The Wind by Zinadelphia
A Place Like This by Peter McPoland
Book Recs:
Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin - a masterpiece. Truly. 5 stars, a must read.
Other Recs:
If you are in need of support post election, I encourage you to lean on community, and mental health providers.
In urgent situations, see these hotlines for mental health care:
The Trevor Project for LGBTQIA+ youth. There is a text, call and web chat option.
You can call or text 988 for any urgent mental health concern
To find a mental health provider that’s right for you, check out ZocDoc, a website that offers in person or virtual providers all over the country. You can choose providers that take your specific insurance at various rates.
Consider community mental health centers near you if cost is a barrier to care. There may be free, low cost or sliding scale options.