This past weekend a dear friend reminded me of a past life, one where my hair pooled to my hips and my face was frequently adorned with costume makeup. For this artform, my skin was my canvas, each project needing to be completed in one sitting, meaning many late nights alone with my paints in my childhood bedroom. With enough practice, I gratefully began to have some degree of success sharing videos of my creations on a prehistoric Tik-Tok like app. I was flown out to VidCon at 18 years old to perform this hobby of mine, and was offered a more permanent position with the company if I were to move to California after graduating high school instead of my established plan of attending physical therapy school in Massachusetts. We have to make challenging decisions that guide the rest of our life, and to do so at a young age feels insurmountable. In the moment, to tell myself that I would be happy with my life either way felt minimizing to my passions. Choosing one over the other felt like excruciating self abandonment - how can I give up half of myself for the other? There is always sacrifice within dreaming. I weighed my options carefully, the artistic side vs scientific side of myself going head to head, and I eventually turned them down to pursue higher education. In the blink of an eye I left one dream in place of another.
Physical therapy school was 6 long, long years and then I completed a 1 year residency. That means I had 7 orbits around the sun to ponder what my life would be had I made the move to California instead, 7 years of “what if?” ceaselessly repeated in my mind. I didn’t make much art during this time in my life due to the rigor of coursework and working outside of classes, but when I did, it was a sacred time. I applied what I learned in my makeup artistry to my watercolor painting practice; each stroke of my brush bringing my intangible ideas into the world. I was present, I was calm, I was happy. It also felt like being haunted by a ghost of the past - studying didn’t make me happy, but being creative nearly always did. 7 years of “why am I not doing art full time?”
After those years came to an end and I finally began practicing as a pelvic floor physical therapist, I was able to wholly realize I made the right choice. I’m changing lives with my chosen profession, living in the city with nearly all of my loved ones within reach, finding ways to integrate an artistic practice into my routine, on the exact path meant for me. I no longer mourn the makeup artist that could have been. She was a version of me that helped me build my sense of self and my artistic style, and for her I am eternally grateful.
I’ve finally accepted that path I decided to take, and I no longer want my past lives to haunt me, I want to hold them close with reverence for what was and could have been. I may not recognize all of my past versions or versions to come, but they coexist in memory and in dream, nearly tangible. How lucky am I to have had vastly different options for my path forward, and to live the beautiful life I have now, even in the absence of something I once thought was going to be my forever. How lucky I am for my almosts. To have made a hard decision for my future and come out on the other side happier than I’ve ever been fills me with hope for all of the future decisions to come - freedom of choice is the greatest privilege. I hope to keep my heart open to every decision yet to be made, rooted in the idea that no matter what, I have the power to build myself a beautiful life. I can’t choose everything at once, as much as each facet of my being craves being prioritized. I’m excited for the twists and turns and skillful pivots to come and whatever happens,
All my love,
-Katie
Music Recs:
Soda Blonde’s new EP People Pleaser - can’t stop listening to The Queen of Mercy, but the entire EP is phenomenal
Orla Garland’s album Everybody Needs a Hero - I used to watch her Youtube videos while doing costume makeup <3
Don’t Hurt Yourself - Beyonce and Jack White
Fantasy by Ellie Banke
Perfect Life by Damiano David
Spinach Souffle by Max Frost
Rust by Paper Lady
I Like It I Like It by Moses Sumney and Hayley Williams
Book Recs
Fearless, book #3 in the Powerless Trilogy - the banter in this series has me floooorrred every time !
Other Recs:
Learn ways to support Palestinians during this ceaseless genocide, here